barney

having grown up in a time and culture where children's TV programming mainly consisted of DDR propaganda, extremely disturbing PSA's, and german detective cartoons where every episode contained at least one plotline involving strippers and/or boobs, it's probably not surprising that i never got to know barney.

sad face.

i would probably be a lot more pleasant to deal with, a lot less troubled with negative emotions, and a whole heck of a lot less burdening to others today, had i learned very early on that happiness is the only acceptable state of being, disagreeing is futile and disrespective, and your own needs are always infinitely less important than those of others.

again, sad face. but i did learn a lot about boobs.

either way, a while back i offered to make the boy a pair of socks for his birthday, because he has the soul of a pensioner and thus suffers from cold feet (and increasingly greying hair). i even went so far as to let him pick colours.

of all the colours in all the world, he picked barney's.

to be fair, i rejected his inital choice of the dr. seuss-esque combination of red and white, just because it was in my power to do so.

oh, what a girl wouldn't do for his love muffin.

sick

being sick is not fun.

in moments like these i find myself gazing longingly to the east, to the mildly socialist republic of finland, where you can be as sick as you can and miss as much work as you want, and the friendly government will always be there to cover your medical costs and reimburse you for the paychecks missed. they will patronize you, and belittle you, and humiliate you with endless red tape in the process, but at least your ability to pay rent and buy food is not compromised by the choice of some testicularly challenged dickwad to sneeze all over you in the skytrain.

but at least i have this.

it's a sock. the stripes me happy make.

march of the sinister knits

well the crochet thing is off. having trudged through 400 meters of yarn in one sitting (with this lovely shawl in mind) i somehow just went "meh" and moved on. the construction and shape didn't feel right. or maybe the butch trucker lesbian side of me's just not ready for pink lace. how sweet is the taste of giving up.

but i do have something to show you instead. throughout the spring i've made lots of stuff which i haven't had the time to present here, due to an unexpected and outrageous lack of spare time. being currently sick with flu offers a welcome break to do some blogging as well as the inevitable jurassic park marathon.

and so, a terribly long and incoherent cavalcade of finished knits follows.

seasons by jared flood

ravelry link

size 3

brooklyn tweed loft (70g / 3 & 3.5mm)

i got the brooklyn tweed seasons kit as soon as they went on sale back in march or something. i just had to get my hands on that loft yarn. (it's totally hot, by the way.) my colorwork is rather, um, amateurish, but the colors themselves are heathered enough to cover up a lot of my inability to comprehend the concept of "color domination".

the hat was a little snug when finished, so i wanted to block it to a nice generous slouchy look. a delightful little encounter ensued at a local department store, where i just happened to walk past the flower section with some completely unrelated business in mind, and saw a white flower pot that, when turned upside down, just caught my eye as the most perfect hat blocking device ever. so i took it to the counter and asked the girl what the circumference was.

"the diameter's 19 centimeters," she said. "no no, i need to know the circumference," i replied and made her look at me like she couldn't understand the words i was vomiting out. i was then forced to explain how this particular pot seemed the perfect size to aid me in wet-stretching a knitted garment which i couldn't pin down and flat-dry because i didn't want the side creases and how the pot needed to be between 60 and 65 centimeters because my head is 58 and i liked my hats a little loose, and i just needed to be sure about the pot size before i bought it.

she was probably lost at "wet-stretching".

but in eerie silence she took out a measuring tape anyway and announced that the circumference is 62 centimeters, to which i responded with some joyous hand-clapping, to which she in turn responded with a look as if i was actually intending to use the pot in some completely different affair, possibly relating to eating babies and/or having sex with leather-clad muppets.

just imagine what a girl can do with a pot like this

but i took it home anyway and blocked the hat, and it's perfect. never mind the fact that i'm probably on some stockmann persona non grata list now.

"i never should've fallen for that muppet"

speaking of hats, back when it was -25C outside i made me a wurm to keep my precious, precious ears warm with its double-layered edge. the size was perfect at first, but after blocking and in use the yarn got all droopy to the point where it's almost too slouchy. so next time i'll be making a smaller size.

wurm by katharina nopp

ravelry link

size biggiest

lana grossa cool wool merino (70g / 4mm)

then i made two of these ruffle necklaces, one for me and one for a friend for her birthday. i had to adjust the pattern a little because following the chart i couldn't get the edges symmetric.

ruffle bib necklace by stefanie fail

ravelry link

mayflower cotton 8 big (25g / 3.5mm)

mine totally look better than the originals, by the way.

then there's a couple of socks i made as presents for some nice people who are working hard to relieve me of my family curse of hideously crooked teeth. yes, i should've gotten them fixed back in the 90s. yes, i'm a 27-year-old with braces. no, i'm not very smart. but just a couple more months and i'll be stunning. yeah. take that.

a girl at work, a.k.a. miss R, a.k.a. my partner in crime in all yarn-related mischief (no it's not an oxymoron) taught me broomstick lace because, as it turns out, i'm not inherently the ultimate master of all knittingy and crochety bits. so with this newly-acquired skill i made some bracelets. they make me look all pretty. and cool.

the yarn's schachenmayr catania in various colors and there's 10 repeats in each. one bracelet took maybe 5 grams.

and finally i made another shallows, this time with some egyptian cotton and one less chart repeat so it sits a little snugger. also i took a crappy photo of it with a warped perspective, distorted colors and dismal white balance. it's all part of the process.

there. i'm all puffed out now. i shall be dreaming about jeff goldblum tonight.

hello, april

in the midst of all the horrors that ensue from such wretched circumstances as a) staying alive and maintaining some level of sanity during a crippling nerve illness, b) working despite said illness in conditions that bear zero resemblance to the oohs and aahs state of the initial OMG THEY HIRED ME honeymooning period, and c) ducking from gigantic murderous german-speaking birds, i have completely neglected this blog.

my child, my blood, my intellectual excrement.

i left her on her own, writhing helplessly without any loving nourishment, and ignored her existence while pursuing a selfish, opiate-laden path of my own called "it's me first or the bunny gets it" (also known as the "next fucker to irk me dies" path).

what a wonderful mother i would make.

i now realize the bird was merely trying to castrate me

but that's the thing with constant, unchanging pain. it's hard to concentrate on anything else when it's always there. it won't make you prettier. it won't make you a better person. and it certainly won't go away if you just think positive. no. all it does is turn you into a saggy bitter old maid with a slightly unfocused gaze and a medical bill the size of manitoba.

of course, once you reach that point, that's the moment you go out and buy as much yarn as you and the postman can collectively carry. in all colors, in all qualities, from all continents and price ranges. because that's what makes you (and by you i mean me) happy, and maintaining that level of happy is rather crucial here these days.

my precious precious happy

but after thoroughly sniffing the hanks, petting the hanks and daydreaming about the hanks, i slap myself (with the hanks) and figure things probably could be worse. i'm sure things can always be worse. and everyone has their own private hell. it's just that some people face suffering with a sort of defeated, stoic, graceful halo that inspires others to appreciate what they still have.

me, i'm more of the kind to kick, scream and throw steaming turds at any and all instances whom i at the given time deem responsible for my current misery.

which is hardly inspiring at all.

anyway. somewhere in the midst of all this i made a pair of socks. they're pretty,  and sparkly, and they made me and my feet happy.

seagrass by melissa morgan-oakes

ravelry link

ilun erikoinen (70g / 2.5mm)

incidentally, they're the first textured pair of socks i made with the toe-up 2-at-a-time method. i figured this twinkling beauty of a yarn deserves something more than just plain stockinette. and they fit like a dream too. perfect size, perfect shape.

now if only they'd deliver my damn wollmeises already.

back on track

please excuse the pseudoartistic tree hugger crap of the previous post. i had to do something. not being able to knit for almost two weeks made me delusional. that and painkillers. sweet opioidic mind-numbing BFF painkillers.

but i finally got some essential supplies on saturday and immediately made a pair of socks. oh god how good it felt. like taking a shower after spending 12 days in a broken porta-potty. and with a critically placed 7 inch wound that's not supposed to get wet for the first 15 days, i'm only half joking.

kiertoradalla by tiina kuu

ravelry link

size 37

cascade heritage (70g / 2.5mm)

they were presented to and modeled here by my sister-in-law, who graciously waited for 4+ months for me to darn the previous pair i made her, which i ended up... uh, never doing... because, well... i just didn't feel like it. the patience some people have for my idio-moronic-syncracies astounds me.

i also messed up the stitch count somewhere around the heel area (although i refuse to claim full responsibility for it, the pattern was at times just way out there), making the lace pattern uneven between the two socks, but see how cunningly i took the pictures so you can't tell? and therefore still consider me a competent and admirable knitter?

i didn't have time to block them either. so i'm not super happy with the way they turned out. but at least i got to knit something. and more important, i'm back on her favorite people list, which will come in handy around christmastime.

p.s. armageddon made me cry. again.

baby stuff

like i said, there's a tiny person on the way in my family. and she's in desperate need of my knitting. the mother may disagree. but the fact is, without clothes she'll go around naked, and that kind of behavior will not stand, man.

sunnyside cardigan by tanis lavallée

ravelry link

size newborn

flavia baby (80 g / 2.5mm)

the pattern called for a heavier yarn and 3.5 needles, so i wasn't exactly sure what size would emerge from the green ball of joy. after blocking and stretching it a little it seems like a pretty good fit for a newborn (chest circumference 40 cm). so all's good. unless she decides to keep baking in there and pop out two months later as some sort of giant inflated monster child, which in my pseudorealistic universe is entirely possible. that would render the cardigan useless though, and make me a very sad panda. here's to hoping for a normal, healthy child with normal, healthy proportions. although an extra finger or something would make her more unique.

my only complaint with an otherwise good pattern is that it advocates needless gender divisions among defenseless children. listen to this: "a lacy cable and picot edge can make a pretty cardigan for a little girl; or a handsome rope cable and garter stitch hem make a masculine cardigan perfect for a little boy". really? feel my gender-egalitarian wrath! FEEL IT!

obviously i went for the "masculine" version to prove my point.

after recovering from this gender shock i also made a butch pair of socks to match. to keep them piggies warm.

garter stripe socks by jennifer hoel

ravelry link

size newborn

flavia baby (20 g / 2.5mm)

i made the heel and toe with my regular sock pattern, because the given instructions just didn't work for me. i'm not very smart, you see.

more pictures after the jump.

odds & ends

apologies for the radio silence. it's been a busy month. sort of. watching quality movies and eating chocolate has taken more of my time lately than expected. of course by quality i mean roland emmerich, and by chocolate i mean double-chocolate. blinding, searing, never-ending nerve pain does have some perks. i thoroughly recommend getting some, if you're into the whole get-all-the-free-time-you-want-but-cry-yourself-to-sleep thing.

anyway, like most of us in the knitting universe, i'm a TV knitter. i can't watch TV without knitting something. so thanks to classics like 2012, godzilla and independence day, i've been able to make a bunch of random things, of which a small selection thus follows.

the first one is another cowl made with the willow pattern. i made it with the same amount of stitches and decreases as the hemlock cowl, but the yarn (flavia baby - yes, again) was thinner so the end result is even snugger. i can barely ram it through my giant head, but once it's in place it looks and feels pretty good.

mom likes the socks i make, and will stop at nothing to get a new pair. so in order to avoid being disowned i made her a simple pair with the extra hank of knitpicks stroll i got from great british yarns. i'll be safe for another month or two.

then there was the suicide mission called trail socks. the yarn is gorgeous. and 20 euros a hank. and yet, only through sheer manic perseverence was i able to finish this pair. have you ever heard of a thing called pooling?

the first sock was perfect from the start. the yarn behaved beautifully and created an almost self-striping pattern. then came the second sock, and all hell broke loose. no matter how many times i started over (and believe me, it was lots) i couldn't duplicate the color flow. every time i ended up with dark splotches and light splotches. i tried different gauges, starting at different points of the yarn, but no. bob the saint (remember him?) wouldn't let me off the hook. and no, pooling is NOT something that makes hand-dyed yarn interesting and/or beautiful, it's fucking annoying, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're probably on sedatives or have already died inside a little.

then, after five painful days, i threatened bob with a murder-suicide-scenario, and he finally caved. and now i have a killer pair of socks. with no pooling. thank's for playing, bob!

i also made some stitch markers. girly ones. because i'm a girl. i checked.

knitting-wise there's lots of other stuff going as well. there's another lace scarf i'm making, slowly but surely, and a mountain of baby clothes for a certain someone who's expected to pop into this world during the summer. before you ask, it's not mine. dear god, no. but more on those projects as and if they develop.

spring, socks & skippity skip

spring's here. finally. winter and its foul snowy presence had tormented us for too long to be any level of fun anymore. you know how the first snowflakes in october make you go "yay winter"? after seven months the childlike reverence has turned into vile screeches of "fuck winter" and "why, god, are you doing this to us".

but it's here now. time to lose those seven layers of clothing and enjoy the sun. maybe get a little spring flu or skip some rope or something. what do you mean adults don't skip rope? what's wrong with you?

i still need to cover my puny legs until i'm rid of the whole "whiter shade of pale" look, so i made a basic pair of striped socks to skip in. i've grown to liking the toe-up method, because in addition to all the practical benefits, it makes me look like a pro knitter. boo-yah. the color gradience was a little off from what i thought, but not too bad.

ravelry link

size 38

austemann step & zauberball (25g each/2.5mm)

the left sock is affectionately called "stupid fat ugly party leader debate", because that's what i was watching on TV when i knitted it. two hours of my precious, precious life completely wasted on the altar of inane rantings and mind-shattering baby-pink blazers. and since we now know the election saw a landslide victory from a populist anti-immigration party, which incidentally is lead by jabba the hut, perhaps this is the electoral term that finally forces me to pack my earthly belongings and move to canada, where the sun always shines, nothing ever goes wrong, and the only thing you ever have to worry about is stephen harper, who eats babies.

anyway, by the same rationale the right sock is called "terminator 3".

although said fine motion picture left the most important question unanswered: how is it that you can't hurt a robot by shooting him in the head, but can hurt him by kicking him in the crotch?