June 30, 2012

sign me up

i've recently joined a club.

a very exclusive club.

one that grants me access to heavenly joys of unfathomable proportions. and a $70 bill, but let's put that aside for a minute.

let's shall.

these are my brand new 2.5mm, 8" signature dpn's, which i lovingly allowed myself (read: my visa) to purchase. because i totally deserve all the crazy-ass hi-fi knittingy gadgets out there.

because i just do.

you may well ask, "what the hell is all this brouhaha about signatures? they're just needles, for pete's sake."

in short, they're long and pointy. and sharp. so sharp, in fact, that they'd gone straight through the fancy little pouch they came in. i thought my suzanne ebonies were sharp, but these babies are so much sharper. they tore my left index finger right open when i first swatched with them, that's how sharp we're talking about.

dear ebony--consider yourself usurped

but sharp is good, and pain is better. blood and blisters are a small price to pay for catching stitches more perfectly than jesus himself ever could, and i bet jesus was a really awesome knitter. of course eventually i'll develop a calice the size of texas on said finger, which not only makes knitting even more pleasurable, but also attracts guys like a freakin' cock magnet.

what's possibly even more important is that they have the perfect grip. and i do mean perfect. if you've ever knit with them ponies or pretty much any metal needle (except kollage squares, who's my five-headed lesbian mistress) you're familiar with the distinct 'cling' sound you get when the needles slip off from the stitches, and also the 'fucking fucking fuck' sound which inevitably follows.

signatures are textured ever so slightly at the shaft, rendering all such traumatic experiences null and void. no more clings and fucks, just an adorable, cheerful wooshing sound as you gently move the stitches towards the tip. "ribbed for her pleasure", as knittersreview affectionately wrote--which not only provides the singularly most awesomest selling point for knitting needles anywhere, ever, but also proves once and for all that i'm not the only one with a warped mental connection between knitting and sex. fancy a threesome, clara?

you can't see it but it's there--also applies to my lady bits

they're also pretty. very, very pretty.

see? pretty.

add to that all sorts of hi-tech industrial newspeak, a lifetime warranty and an awe-inspiring balance between weight and material, and an apparent care for the environment too-- i don't know how exactly, but they use words like 'brite dip', 'anodizer' and 'EU directive RoHS', which simply must mean they're saving our fragile little planet one fossil-fueled machine-carved needle at a time--and i'm completely sold.

so in total, signatures are the perfect combination of snooty exclusiveness, outrageous pricing and humbling precision that inevitably, irresistibly makes me want to throw my money at them like it was burning a searing hole in my butt pocket. bob's scolded me on such behavior before, but i don't care. even the fact that you have to pay an extra $10 to get the fifth dpn (which by any other standards would qualify for the biggest douche of the universe award) somehow seems totally reasonable when you're convinced you're on the brink of the greatest discovery ever recorded on the history of mankind.

of course, you're not. they're just needles, for pete's sake.

but they're pretty fuckin' cool nonetheless. and fuckin' cool is plenty.

June 26, 2012

him & me

what a ridiculously perfect pairing, this hitchhiker fellow and me. he's fast enough to keep me interested, simple enough to make me feel special by comparison, and pretty enough to maintain perpetual heat in my nether regions.

hitchhiker by martina behm
size awesome
handu 100% merinovilla (100g / 3mm)

i suppose he thinks highly of me too. assuming that an inanimate object cares. i like to think they do, because it gives me a sense of self-appreciation and worth. i'm queen fluffalot, remember?

with my royal guardian ponies and goats.

i love being me.

June 23, 2012

oh, midsummer

for some people midsummer means absolutely nothing.

for some other people it means going out, getting drunk, and drowning in shallow water.

for me it means getting a free day off, eating pie, and making button bracelets with my favorite imaginary friend.

best day ever.

June 13, 2012

finger bondage

thank god my left middle finger's into bondage. otherwise this picture might seem odd.

john wayne is politely averting his eyes...what a p***y

to those of you not familiar with the joys of handjobs (the giggle-inducing literal translation to käsityöt, meaning crafts in finnish), that's my puny hand after 3 days of spindle spinning and andean plying. turning that hot mess into 2-ply yarn was another 3 hours.

i can't believe i've actually grown fond of doing this. it's slow and it's unpredictable, and it causes so much physical pain that i'm pretty sure it does count as S&M. what you're seeing here is no more than 40 grams worth of twisted arms and cramped butt muscles and 80s metallica (hairdo's and all). and it's only 1/4 of the lorna's laces BFL top i got back in november. and once all finished it still won't amount to a whole lot in terms of yardage.

but somehow there's a poetic element of concentration and achievement there, meditation even. turning a raw material into something i can use. being more than just one part of the shearing-dyeing-spinning-knitting chain. mastering a skill that's not inherently programmed into the brain of every tom, dick & harry out there.

just wait for the finished yarn. it's gonna be epic.

June 9, 2012

march of the sinister knits

well the crochet thing is off. having trudged through 400 meters of yarn in one sitting (with this lovely shawl in mind) i somehow just went "meh" and moved on. the construction and shape didn't feel right. or maybe the butch trucker lesbian side of me's just not ready for pink lace. how sweet is the taste of giving up.

but i do have something to show you instead. throughout the spring i've made lots of stuff which i haven't had the time to present here, due to an unexpected and outrageous lack of spare time. being currently sick with flu offers a welcome break to do some blogging as well as the inevitable jurassic park marathon.

and so, a terribly long and incoherent cavalcade of finished knits follows.

seasons by jared flood
size 3
brooklyn tweed loft (70g / 3 & 3.5mm)

i got the brooklyn tweed seasons kit as soon as they went on sale back in march or something. i just had to get my hands on that loft yarn. (it's totally hot, by the way.) my colorwork is rather, um, amateurish, but the colors themselves are heathered enough to cover up a lot of my inability to comprehend the concept of "color domination".

the hat was a little snug when finished, so i wanted to block it to a nice generous slouchy look. a delightful little encounter ensued at a local department store, where i just happened to walk past the flower section with some completely unrelated business in mind, and saw a white flower pot that, when turned upside down, just caught my eye as the most perfect hat blocking device ever. so i took it to the counter and asked the girl what the circumference was.

"the diameter's 19 centimeters," she said. "no no, i need to know the circumference," i replied and made her look at me like she couldn't understand the words i was vomiting out. i was then forced to explain how this particular pot seemed the perfect size to aid me in wet-stretching a knitted garment which i couldn't pin down and flat-dry because i didn't want the side creases and how the pot needed to be between 60 and 65 centimeters because my head is 58 and i liked my hats a little loose, and i just needed to be sure about the pot size before i bought it.

she was probably lost at "wet-stretching".

but in eerie silence she took out a measuring tape anyway and announced that the circumference is 62 centimeters, to which i responded with some joyous hand-clapping, to which she in turn responded with a look as if i was actually intending to use the pot in some completely different affair, possibly relating to eating babies and/or having sex with leather-clad muppets.

just imagine what a girl can do with a pot like this

but i took it home anyway and blocked the hat, and it's perfect. never mind the fact that i'm probably on some stockmann persona non grata list now.

"i never should've fallen for that muppet"

speaking of hats, back when it was -25C outside i made me a wurm to keep my precious, precious ears warm with its double-layered edge. the size was perfect at first, but after blocking and in use the yarn got all droopy to the point where it's almost too slouchy. so next time i'll be making a smaller size.

wurm by katharina nopp
size biggiest
lana grossa cool wool merino (70g / 4mm)

then i made two of these ruffle necklaces, one for me and one for a friend for her birthday. i had to adjust the pattern a little because following the chart i couldn't get the edges symmetric.

ruffle bib necklace by stefanie fail
ravelry link
mayflower cotton 8 big (25g / 3.5mm)

mine totally look better than the originals, by the way.

then there's a couple of socks i made as presents for some nice people who are working hard to relieve me of my family curse of hideously crooked teeth. yes, i should've gotten them fixed back in the 90s. yes, i'm a 27-year-old with braces. no, i'm not very smart. but just a couple more months and i'll be stunning. yeah. take that.

a girl at work, a.k.a. miss R, a.k.a. my partner in crime in all yarn-related mischief (no it's not an oxymoron) taught me broomstick lace because, as it turns out, i'm not inherently the ultimate master of all knittingy and crochety bits. so with this newly-acquired skill i made some bracelets. they make me look all pretty. and cool.

the yarn's schachenmayr catania in various colors and there's 10 repeats in each. one bracelet took maybe 5 grams.

and finally i made another shallows, this time with some egyptian cotton and one less chart repeat so it sits a little snugger. also i took a crappy photo of it with a warped perspective, distorted colors and dismal white balance. it's all part of the process.

there. i'm all puffed out now. i shall be dreaming about jeff goldblum tonight.